It was October of 2023, when I was at the lowest I’d ever been in my life. I had been struggling with my physical and mental health for years, without very successful treatment. To me, it felt like this caused me to lose everything I once loved so dearly. My friends, family life, school, sports, and hobbies were all affected. At this point, I was spending all my time in a hospital bed, running on two hours of sleep a night, tube fed because my health issues led to an eating disorder, I couldn’t walk or stand up due to my condition, I was terrified of germs and getting sick, and I lost my ability to communicate my feelings. This left me feeling drained and alone.
Despite these struggles I was facing, I had a team of doctors at Boston Children’s Hospital (BCH) who I felt cared for me and who wanted to listen. They were the first people I told about my suicidal thoughts. It was scary to say those words out loud to people I barely knew when I wasn’t used to talking about my feelings. But I was surprised when my words were met with care, support and understanding from doctors and my family.
Eventually, I was transferred to the medical psychiatric unit at Boston Children’s. I was very afraid to go there because I knew it would lead to facing lots of challenges. I worried about trying foods again, working on walking, being exposed to germs and not having my parents stay overnight. Those are only a few of the things I felt anxious about. In the new unit, I felt overwhelmed with the thought of a new team of doctors and staff that I wasn’t familiar with. I also knew it meant that people there would keep me physically safe from harming myself, so I’d have to stay alive through it all. I felt like I didn’t have anything left in me to keep fighting these battles. I thought my only answer was to end my life. I knew I couldn’t keep living the way I had been for so long, but I didn’t think I had what it took to keep taking these incredibly hard steps. Doctors, staff and my family continued to tell me that I could make it through it all. Yet, I’d been let down by treatments in the past so I had a difficult time trusting people when they said I could get better.
A week into my stay in the medical psychiatric unit, I attempted to take my life. It was a very scary experience. But I had one of my soon to be favorite staff members and a wonderful nurse caring for me and helping me through the day. I had conversations with my doctors who said they would do anything they could to keep me safe. After that day, it took some time, but I finally began to see that I wasn’t alone. Slowly, I was able to start talking to people about my struggles.
In my painting, the cuts represent the parts of me that have struggled and put me in danger. The stitches show that I am safe now, that I wouldn’t stay in the dangerous state I came to the hospital in. There is space for healing, and it is possible.
My first months in the medical/psychiatric unit were very difficult. I was facing numerous challenges, and working so hard to get through each day. I was adjusting to my new treatment plan and being in a new place with different people. Despite it being a hard change, the staff there were so caring and supportive. I always felt like I had someone looking out for me. I began to feel some hope. My painting has cuts with bandages covering them. The cuts represent the struggles I’ve had with my health and mental well-being. The bandages are there, symbolizing the help I’ve gotten from BCH and my family. They show that people have helped me, and that they will be there for me throughout my healing process no matter how long or what it takes. I found my months in the hospital very challenging as I worked on sharing my feelings, doing exposures, walking again, and eating. I needed something to occupy myself during my downtime and to help me stay calm. This is when I started folding paper cranes. The paper crane is a symbol of peace, love, hope, healing, and lifelong health. I made about 10 in one day, and that’s when I decided I would make 1,000. It was a way of promising to myself that I would stay alive. It gave me a goal, and each crane I made would symbolize a life I could look forward to.
As my time in the hospital went on I learned so much, worked extremely hard and accomplished so many things that I never thought I was capable of. With the help of the dietician, I went from being fully tube fed to eating and enjoying real foods again. I had physical therapy every day and they worked with me on learning to walk again. I was fighting my fears of germs and sickness. I was attending groups and talking with my team and family. I was even finding moments of happiness. All of these struggles were worked on while I was in a safe environment where I had support whenever I needed it. Working through the challenges was really difficult, but the fact that I was making progress showed me how strong I could be and how much better things can get if you are given the help you need.
Eventually, I finished my 1,000th paper crane. I wrote my wish on the inside and folded it into the crane. After all those months of folding cranes, I can say that they have helped me in a way that only art can. I am thankful for finding them, and for the ways they helped me through the hardest moments. That is why I added them to my artwork.
After months and months of hard work, I am now able to see how far I could come. I am handling my emotions with the tools I learned, eating full meals, walking on my own, communicating my feelings with people, and so much more. I painted flowers blooming out of my heart in my painting. These represent the growth I’ve made and the part inside me that wants to stay alive. They show that I’ve healed so deeply that my heart can be a home to new growth. In my painting, there are many words flowing through my heart. These words are there to show all the parts of me. Some words I included are suffering, determination, healing, pain, trust, encouragement, family, and BCH staff. I hold these words close inside me, and they remind me that even when it feels like the world is full of pain, there will be times when you find hope again.
Years ago, I never could have seen myself improving this much. I am so incredibly thankful for the help I got at Boston Children’s Hospital. Together, my team, the staff there and my parents saved my life. I couldn’t have gotten to this safe place in my mind and body without them. I am home now and am in an extremely different place than when I left. I have a mental health team here at home in New Hampshire filled with people who support me, and I am working hard to keep getting better. Getting treatment is incredibly crucial to the lives of people struggling with their mental health. In my case and that of many others, it is lifesaving. For anyone who feels like they can’t keep going on, remember that you do have it in you to get through this. Have trust that life can change for the better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, because even if you feel terribly alone there are people out there who will support you through the toughest times.
In my painting, the hummingbird getting nectar from the flower is a representation of the kindness and love I try to share with others. Whether it be my family, staff at Boston Children’s Hospital or other patients, I always looked for ways to brighten their days. This is one of the things I found that gives me the most meaning in life. Being around and connecting with other people helps in big ways. I hope my story means something to you, and I hope it helps people know that they are never alone.
